The All Too Lenghty Holiday Hangover

I am not a spontaneous person.  Not even a little.  I like a plan. I like when my days go exactly the same I do my household chores in the same order every day and if my morning doesn’t start off like all other mornings, there is a pretty good chance little is going to get done that day by the way of housework. Yet, housework along with raising kids is my job and so if it doesn’t get done, it’s like I called in sick to work. 

It’s inevitable that over the holidays, especially the last two weeks of each year, nothing is going according to schedules as they do the rest of the year and I am still trying to get myself back into my daily groove of getting up, spending time with the Lord who blessed me with the gift of the day and then to some exercise, (ok, even I laughed while typing that. It’s on the daily agenda each day but I tend to skip that part each and every day, hence the 40 pounds I need to lose), then it’s laundry, entryway, bedroom, kitchen, etc. etc.  You get the drift.  But here I am going into February and I still have not gotten back to my normal daily routine.  Not even the smallest part of getting up between 5:30 and 6:00 to have a little quiet time with God before my day officially starts.   Which means, I have not been spending my daily time with the Lord, which means I am struggling.  Physically I always am tired (which most likely is due to Meniere’s disease, one certainly does not understand the fatigue that comes with it), emotionally I have been drained and maybe even mildly depressed, sad feeling and I have no doubt been spiritually hungry. 

I know that I would feel better if I just got up and started my God time again.  It is a very uplifting way to start the day, but the alarm goes off and I shut it off and roll over.  And I know that upsets in my schedule can do this to me time and again but there has been an upset that I just can’t seem to shake. 

I was blessed with two months of seeing my oldest son regularly and I am sure it showed on my face each day how happy I was that we were mending our relationship and moving forward.  Baby steps, which I tend to like to LEAP into things, but God gave me the patience to do the small steps and be grateful for them.  However, January 8^th it all changed.  It stopped.  He stopped calling, answering calls, texting, answering texts and most devastating, coming to visit.  And I realized today, that I am really struggling with the backward steps I have been forced into and emotionally I am right back to square one.  And I have been since the beginning of the year.  It’s been a rough month, I miss him, and it hadn’t rang so loudly as it did last night at 9:37 when my phone rang.  Now, no one calls my house usually after 9:00.  We are people who go to bed early and get up early (or should be getting up early anyway) but I know when the phone rings between 9 and 10, it’s always David.  So, I was getting ready to go to bed last night, Dave was gone shooting trap, Lane was sound asleep IN HIS OWN BED and had FALLEN ASLEEP ON HIS OWN BY HIMSELF, may I add (because that is a success like no other that I have accomplished this month).  So I’m winding down, shutting lights off, heading out for a little “garage time” and the phone rings and my heart did about sixteen leaps as I rushed to the phone “knowing” David was calling to maybe set up plans for the weekend. 

Except it wasn’t David.  It was a wrong number.  I felt crushed all over again. It was a small sick joke that was being played on me by the enemy.  All the inflated joy blew out of me like a balloon that had been popped with a pin. 

Sad people are not fun to be around.  And I think I do a pretty good job of looking each day for the blessings.  I count the times Lane makes me laugh daily because he is a gift like no other that, even if late, he is a great reason to HAVE to get out of bed.  And I have to be a happy, engaged, fun, laughing mom to him each and every day.  And so I have mastered the art of faking it.  But I miss David.  I miss him and it weighs on me like a about  150 lbs of added dead weight and I wonder if things will ever get better.

Hope.  I live on hope each day but even I, who has a tremendously strong faith that God is in control, God knows what is best for all of us and God is not going to desert me or David.  But I’ve been struggling with hanging on to that hope.  And I am back to where I was two years ago when David took the turn down a path that I don’t believe God wanted for him and I second guess every decision I ever made. I beat myself up for the wrong decisions I made and I along with everyone else know they were not the right decision.  But at the time I didn’t know what decision to make and I made many of them purely on emotion.  So here I am back at square one.  And I need to change that.

Why am I blogging about this?  Because, many times I think Christian women don’t think they have the right to have rough times.  Christian women are always willing to help out their friends in need, but less willing to ask for help if they need it.  Christian women tend to not want to admit that sometimes life is just plain hard and we can’t always wear the happy face we want to or fake each day.  My blog is about real life, being real, being me and not being ashamed of who I am.  And so today I am sad, I feel disconnected from God, I feel like I want to crawl back under the covers and sleep the day away because in my dreams things are a little odd, sometimes crazy, but rarely are they filled with sadness.  I need to get myself motivated back to getting up in the morning, studying the Word, the only book that truly can direct me back to the path of harmony, then praying to God who always listens, and will always answer and will give me strength for the times when His answer doesn’t match my wants or expectations. 

Struggles with a troubled teenager is nothing short of crushing, but it always builds a strength like you never knew you had.  But today, I want to scream I WANT THIS TO END, I WANT HIM TO COME HOME, I WANT GOD TO ANSWER MY PRAYER WITH A YES TODAY, BECAUSE I’M TIRED OF WAITING AND WORRYING AND FEELING SAD AND INSIGNIFICANT.   I want to throw my own little temper tantrum and pity party.  And in the mean time, since I want all that from Him, I want to no longer be sick anymore either with Meniere’s disease.  A disease that everyone knows sucks, but because I am not talking about it every second of every day that I must feel fine.   I feel like crap.  And I look like crap today too.  J HA….well, I do. 

And I can do all those things, scream all those things, but where will it get me?  Well, I will probably just end up with a sore throat, looking like a fool and watching everyone slowly backing away, and in a perfect world tossing me chocolate covered, custard filled donuts as they go.  

This is a day in my life.  And I’m sure it sucks to read, or hear and well, y’all have your own struggles and problems to deal with so what makes mine anymore severe or important than yours?  Mine are not.  But we all have days like this and we all lead such busy lives that we don’t’ always notice when someone is having a day like this. 

Some may think that because it’s been 2 years it’s not that hard anymore that David isn’t at home.  The sad fact of the matter is that it is harder now than it was 2 years ago and in a year if he is still gone, it will be that much harder yet.  But I know I am really good about making it look easy some days with that pasted smile on my face, laughing and pointing out all of God’s amazing blessings.  But just like every other sinner in the world, today it doesn’t feel like enough and I’m so sorry Lord for feeling that way. 

If you are feeling despair ladies, over a situation of your own, consider yourself hugged from me.  I don’t want  anyone rushing to my side giving me attention.  I am a strong woman and having a few or 30 bad days doesn’t change that.  But it does make me quiet.  It does make me pull back a little bit because that is how I deal.  When things happen, I need to process.  I need to be alone, not talking about it and processing what has happened, what can I do right now to fix it or move towards fixing it and then come to the realization that like everything else it is what it is.   I think I have been so busy this month (getting up late, getting nothing done) because I haven’t allowed myself to process this set back.  And I think that just maybe I’m avoiding it completely because I don’t want to process it again and again and again.  But for me, it’s the only way I can move on.  I don’t tend to need constant listening ears or shoulders to cry one.  In fact, I haven’t shed a single tear in months because they don’t fall anymore.  But I need to get back to reality in my heart and know that honestly, there is nothing I can do but love David unconditionally.  God is in control of the rest and His will, will be done.  If I want Him to teach David I need to get out of the way and let Him.  But dang it if that kid didn’t take after me in THAT regard….he’s a slow learner like his mom.  But he will get it in the end and he will come around. 

I was putting off processing this again and so I decided to sit down and type it out…it’s forcing me to process.  And while I probably shouldn’t even post this, because it’s not looking for attention or sympathy.  I don’t want it.  But maybe, it will help some woman, just paging through blogs and come up on it and realize, she’s not alone and she is not a “bad Christian” because she has had some days where she is feeling far far away from God Himself.  I know, and she knows…He is here.  But it is me, us, who need to reach out to him. 

So come Monday, may I be refreshed and ready for my schedule to be back on track. Yep, I’m a bit OCD that way…but it doesn’t’ make me a bad person. J Does it?    Feel free to keep throwing the donuts ….I like donuts.  Which is going against everything E and I are learning in Made to Crave.  But honestly, I have yet to really get enthused about that study.  So it’s time…enough pitying REBECCA…GET OFF THAT BUTT, GET OUT OF BED when the alarm goes off and get back to living!  Life is too short. 

NO MORE HOLIDAY HANGOVER, time to take the proverbial aspirin and get on with it.  Thanks all.  Love you all!  If you are struggling, do what you need to do to get back up, I know I need to just smile and keep moving. And I will.  But today I’m pouting….just a little and am looking forward to curling up on the sofa with my family and watching Courageous tonight and hoping to get a little inspiration from it.  If not, I have the Christian Women’s seminar tomorrow to really fill me with the spirit and get me back to praising a God who deserves nothing less!!!