The Year That Has Been More Difficult Than Driving With a Rooster On My Lap

10 years ago I started this blog. 9 years ago was my last post. I'm not sure why I stopped using this forum, writing has always been a good way for me to process things happening, find the humor in the crazy things that took place in my life, (trust me, they did not stop when I stopped logging in here). It was a place to share fun antics, my humor that is much to be desired at times, and to bring a message to others that you are not alone.  Everyone's life it chaotic and sad and happy and crazy busy and all other things. If it's happened to you and you feel alone, it's happened to someone else and sometimes finding that someone else who is willing to be real and honest about it is next to impossible. Enter me...always willing to talk about the hard things because life is full of them.  But in the last 9 years I lost myself in the craziness of life, homeschooling,  and have spent a lot of time, a lot of meltdowns, a lot of losing my temper, and a lot of soul searching to start finding my way back to me. Now,  it's time to write again. I've missed it and to detail all the crazy things that have happened over the last 9 years would definitely require a novel size post.  I'm going to try for much shorter today and focus on 2021. It's not been kind. 

The past almost two years have not been good to any of us. This is indisputable. We have needed to isolate and quarantine and worry about our health, the health of our loved ones, our kids, make decisions with so much information flying at us that we have no idea how to separate fact from fiction. So it's been crazy and we've all felt the stress of the questions of what is true, what should we do, how do we stay safe. But this is not going to be about Covid and the politics of covid etc. You can find that in a million different places. Besides this blog is about the attention whore that is me.  This post is about me finding healing that I don't know how to find and no one can help me with it. So I am going back to a process I gave up 9 years ago.  Writing. If your looking for laughs and feel good stories about the wheel falling off my Saturn Vue named Felicity...today is not that day. But that is a good story.. remind me another day to share that with you if you don't already know it. It's a good classic Rebecca moment no doubt.  Also there's many new stories about the latest edition to my family, the ever infamous Great Dane Lab mix June.

Today though I'm going into the muck of grief. So if that's not your cup of tea or anything you want to  read about....log out now and save your day. This is going to get messy I think.  I never really quite know where I'm going when I start typing I just know I need to get some things off my soul and I let my fingers do the work without spending too much time on whether it's "proper" to say or express. Nor do I tend to really worry about it. I'm just me and I don't tend to hide who I am behind a mask because it's going to upset someone. I'm allowed to be me. You are allowed to be you.  That's what makes life so grand. 

What I know at this time is, I don't know how to do grief.  I don't know if anyone knows how to do grief but I know I don't know how to do grief. I don't know how to be ok with someone being gone that I never got a chance to have a closing conversation with.  I don't know how to reconcile the pain caused by others during a time I am desperately trying to stay above water with just the heavy weight of suffering the biggest loss of my lifetime.  

No one can make me feel anything without my consent.  This has always been my belief, but unfortunately when your defenses are down and you're just trying to get through the days of wanting to deny reality it's easy to allow others actions to hurt you and hurt you deeply without your consent. Life is hard and messy and it just happens in our weakness to allow others to hurt even the strongest among us. 

On June 10,2021, I was busy bustling about baking cake, cutting fruit and putting together the best gift I could assemble for my best friend and her brand new husband. My son and I were laughing about him having to wait until they arrived to be able to have some of that cake. He takes after his mom afterall....we love our cake. In the midst of the excitement of their arrival, Lane and I were also annoyingly excited about planning our trip to see our very first Bull Riding event proclaiming loudly countless times that day "WE ARE GOING TO THE RODEO!" in real life, on facebook, in text messages....etc etc (run on sentences abound I know but Wodeo Week was that exciting for all of us so they are warranted right now I don't have time for grammar lessons.). It was shaping up to be a great day, and one of the happiest most fun weeks for me and then I got the single worst call I have ever received in 49 years. 

My sister was calling, I ignored her phone call, as phone calls are sometimes hard with my hearing issues, but also Lane and I were just lost in elation so I sent the call to voicemail.  Seconds later, I got a text message from her saying she had news and I should call her if I could or she would just text it to me.  Of course this made me pause and thought it must be pretty important. I went out on the deck where I would hold a signal on my phone and called her back, once she answered, my world stopped and then started spinning. The next several days would be a blur from that moment on.

My 47 year old  brother, Doug, was found dead in his apartment that morning. All I could do was bend over and then sit down on the ground, my ears ringing, no longer aware of my surroundings or able to think for several minutes. 

I have suffered loss in my life. I’m no stranger to loss, my grandparents passed away and that was hard but it wasn't unexpected.  They weren’t taken suddenly without warning. I grieved them but I had time to prepare, to visit them, to call them and make sure they knew I loved them. I lost my son for several years and that was a pain I had not felt ever before, but he didn't die,  he came back and we have worked really hard to repair the damage to our relationship.  It’s not been an easy road for neither him nor me but we are graced with the time to do it and during this tragedy both he and my youngest son showed me that they will always love and protect their mom when she's struggling. Thank you boys for allowing me to be your mom. You make me so unbelievably proud every day. 

I did not have this privilege of time to make things right with my brother. It had been three years since I had last seen him and 20 years before that for reasons I will not go into out of  respect for his privacy and my family's privacy as well. It was never due to a falling out or angry words...it just was how life turned out. And I regret that.  I do not have the luxury of time anymore to right the wrongs, to say I was sorry for all the years I hadn’t taken the time to visit or reach out.  We wrote letters occasionally over that time but in hindsight, not often enough. He needed me and whether or not I was equipped to give him what he needed…I wasn’t there and I didn't try. This is something I'm not sure I can ever be ok with.  He was taken from us without warning, no goodbyes, just ..... gone.  

 This is a chapter, a journey in this life I do not know how to do. 

 Over the years I have sat with grieving friends who suffered terrible losses. I didn’t have any answers for them, I couldn’t take away their pain no matter how much I wanted to.  I could not even relate to their pain and I didn't pretend that I could. I like to believe my presence and willingness to always be available to them no matter how long it took for them to start finding healing and peace was helpful to them. I read a lot of things about all topics whether they relate to me or not because I like to read and learn all the things. 

Many times we are accused of being on a mobile device for frivolousness but a lot of that time can actually be searching for and  reading valuable information. Sometimes we are all too quick to judge what we don't know for certain when we see someone on their tablet, phone, computer etc  We could all benefit I suppose from not just assuming we know what someone is doing all the time but I digress. 

I knew through some of that researching and reading that grief has no timeline. I never really grasped that, because I had not been faced with a grief that brought me to my knees. One that also didn't come with hope that it could be remedied one day anyway.  So for those grieving I felt I needed the knowledge, to at the very least, not say something awful. I'm sure I did, but please know it wasn't intentional and I'm so sorry if I caused you more pain than you were already feeling.  I want to be available to people and I try to always be. I want to help not hurt people more going through difficult times. Whether I have been successful in that or not, I don't know but I will  never stop trying to support others, offering comforting words that aren't trite and vow to continue to be available. I hope that I was, at the very least, a benign presence rather than someone who brought them more pain because I didn't know how they felt. 

I now know that feeling, and I don't want to anymore. A feeling that the English Language doesn't have many words to describe it accurately, but those that come to mind are relentless, never ending, conflicting, defeat, numb, anger, despair, hopeless, indescribable sadness, crippling guilt  and a heaviness that is one that I never trained for in order to be able to lift. 

Generally I'm a pretty strong person, if nothing else I'm at least strong willed.  I don't like emotion much, I don't like crying in front of other people and so I tend to hold things in until I explode. I knew I had to keep moving, doing things, helping out somewhere, and to be as strong as I could for my parents in the coming days of decisions and preparations. In a crisis moving is good for me, being able to be useful is good for me, it's after the fact that I'm not very good for much other than an all out breakdown.  When the funeral was over and Doug was laid to rest and I went  home with nothing left to do  I suddenly couldn't function. 

There are so many things I just wasn't prepared to learn, to feel, to know when I went home to quiet. Things that I am now working hard to protect myself from going forward in this life and to not be caught so off guard at least by similar things. 

 I wasn't prepared to not have anyone hug me after I learned the news. For six days.

That first hug came from my sister.  I finally felt comforted and less alone for a brief moment, even though I had been surrounded by people. Thank you. 

 I wasn't prepared to realize I had no one in my life who would take the initiative and sit down next to me and let me lay my head in their lap and cry until there were no more tears left. No talking.. just time for me to fall apart and feel safe doing it. 

I wasn't prepared for local family and many friends to not reach out. To not call, or send a card, or flowers or even bring food to the house for my son who was home alone for  about two weeks during the days while I was back in my hometown. I wasn't prepared for this tragedy to not be acknowledged by them and to feel like I had to keep quiet about it to spare them and their feelings. 

I wasn't prepared for the people who did reach out quickly after the news was made public to be those I haven't met in real life. Who says facebook friends aren't real? Without saying anything I was met with several messages from people who have experienced what I did and they made it known that they understood and they gave me a place to talk about my pain without feeling selfish and they listened.

 I wasn't prepared to feel like I was grieving alone though in my physical world. I wasn't prepared for how angry and how much hurt that would pile on my already unbearable emotional state. My world suddenly grew so much smaller.

I wasn't prepared for the people from my past I never dreamed would reach out with messages that did and I'm forever grateful for them. 

I wasn't prepared for the statement "let me know if you need anything"  and how much anger that welled up in me, how I wanted to scream I don't know what I need, I cannot make one more decision for you to feel good about yourself. People who know how to reach out in times of trouble. People who know what to do, because I have seen them do it. I felt like it was just a nicety that required zero effort because they didn't really want to do anything or didn't really have the time so they did their due diligence I guess. I don't know but it became a phrase if I never heard again it would be too soon. A phrase I have said myself in the past. I now know better going forward.

I wasn't prepared for people to not notice that I wasn't doing well. I wasn't handling anything well and I wasn't ok.  I wasn't expecting my grieving family members to be ok and able to help me but where were all the people I've been surrounded by for years. People who called me friend, people who claimed to love me, people who said they would always be there for me no matter what. People I had been there for, people who I never doubted their loyalty and their love for me. People I would have said prior without a doubt they would show up for me, I know it.  Suddenly there was much clarity in who I thought were in my tribe and who just took up space. 

So I found myself grieving the loss of my brother, which is far plenty and more than I could bear all on it's own but now grieving the loss of so many I had believed to be my friends and a family that I thought I was a part of for the past 21 years, regardless of the trials that come with any family.  I wasn't prepared to learn about all the friendships and relationships that were not as solid as I had always believed them to be. There really are no truer words than you find out who is with you in times of hardship.

I wasn't prepared for the hurtful things that were said to me by people who seemed to forget or never noticed what I had endured or went through. As if it was some kind of competition who suffers the most pain. I wasn't prepared to hear about the struggles of others but no recognition of the struggles I experienced. And I wasn't prepared to feel like I couldn't voice them at best but at worse that no one ever noticed or remembered that I was there too for a lot of things. And those were pivotal times in my life that shaped who I became as an adult. 

I wasn't prepared for the statement "you are just going to need to get back to a normal routine" 

I wasn't prepared for my first thought when my alarm went off in the morning to be "my brother died" and to be expected to just pick up life as if it never happened. 

I wasn't prepared for that to still be my first thought every morning four months later.

I wasn't prepared to feel so............... weak. 

I wasn't prepared for the sudden silence from people I had talked to every day for years. Suddenly they were not reaching out anymore, they were busy....no time to chat.

I was prepared for My best friend to listen and never act like she was tired of hearing it. She never tried to change the subject and she said the most comforting thing anyone had after I continuously would type to her all that I was feeling like a broken record and  that I didn't understand why I felt some of the things I felt, or why I wasn't starting to feel better after some time had passed. Her reply being simply the truth "let me tell you why you feel that way.   It's because your brother died."

 All I could respond with 

 " I don't want him to have died". And she just said " I know." 

It's all I was looking for. Someone to acknowledge what happened and that I wasn't abnormal in what I was feeling. That I was allowed to feel everything I was feeling and didn't need to stop feeling it or talking about it and that it was real.  I could not have made it through the last four months without her. She wasn't in town to be able to come over but she was there every time I picked up the phone and messaged. She listened and because she knows me better than anyone she seemed to know just what to say that would get me to get up and live another day. She never judged me, she never made me feel like I was being anything more than a grieving sister who wanted to turn back time and change everything. She understood I was beating myself up daily from guilt and that I just needed someone to come in and fix it.  She knew, I knew no one could fix this. but she let me feel everything I felt and she let me express that in anyway I needed to. She never made me feel guilty for being angry that some of the people who should have shown up for me didn't and she never made excuses for them or that I should just be ok with it. She never said hurtful things to me because I was hurt just so she could feel better. She was just who I've always known her to be. My best friend who knows me, who knows I'm a person who feels deeply even though I try to hide it and pretend I'm strong, she knows that I never try to hurt anyone and that my feelings, while they may seem selfish she knows why and where they come from.  Because she listens to me to know me and understand me, not to just respond to me from her perspective.

Thank you for that Melissa. You are the perfect best friend for me. You were there. You showed up, you didn't disappear, you didn't expect anything from me, you didn't expect me to make concessions for the people who didn't reach out and who still haven't four months later. You never yelled or said hurtful things to me because I was hurt by their lack of presence in my life and I couldn't get over it. You knew what to say to show me that what I was feeling was completely normal and ok. You were the only one who did exactly what I knew you would do and I am grateful for that constant normal in my life. There's no surprises with you and I didn't need anymore surprises. This was the only thing I was prepared for and it kept me from falling deeper into the darkness that consumed me. 

The healing process is long and seems never ending. It is dark and bumpy. Some times the mountain feels insurmountable. Some days it seems like the sun is coming out to shine only to have the darkness take over again when you least expect it. I think I am getting stronger one minute and the next thing I know I am  sitting on the kitchen floor again with tears spilling down my face because a song started to play in my hearing aid or a memory hit and I'm back to that lonely feeling of knowing I am the only one who is going to get me down this dark windy path.

I will get through this. God is going to get me to a day I will feel strong again and have unbridled joy again. I don't know when that will be, I don't know who will still be standing with me when I get there. But I do know I will get to that day because I do not buckle and give up and I know that it will be a far different and much smaller crowd of people than I had always believed it would be, I will be more confident and I will be more secure and I will know beyond a shadow of a doubt, who stood and who will always stand the test of time. Who thought I mattered enough to understand, to show up, to not judge, and who allowed me to feel weak and imperfect, and emotional and who said through their actions I won't let anyone kick you while you are down or mar your character while you are putting yourself back together yet again from the cruelty of life. 

I will get there. I am after all a force to reckon with when the devil knocks at my door. But losing a brother is a process I have not gone through before so I'm learning as I go. And if you are going through your own grief, how about we get through it together. It may not be today or tomorrow that we are whole again. I don't think we can ever be after a piece has been taken from us and I don't think we'd want to be. Through these times is when we grow and the scar tissue that seals the wound, will tell a story of survival and hopefully that gives us the compassion and willingness to sit with someone else going through all the things they were not prepared for when life threw a sucker punch like it all too often does. I am a warrior though, and I will still be me when I get to brighter days and learn to live with this. The me who doesn't go looking for confrontation but isn't afraid of it either when someone needs to be spoken up for. The me who doesn't desert my friends or family because it's a little uncomfortable. The me who my people know they can count on. The me who knows who my people are.  This much I know is true.

I'm Still Alive and Kicking!

Well, it’s been awhile since y’all have heard from me.  I’ll be your thinking, her life has been going so smoothly she doesn’t have anything to write about.  Well, err, not exactly. I have done plenty of my true self things in the last months, I just haven’t had time to sit down and type them all out.  And now, maybe, since I’ve been losing my mind for quite some time now, I won’t remember all of them.  But I’m sure someone will remind me if I miss a few.

I have had the blessing (and I say blessing, some may say misfortune I know) of meeting Mr. Newt Gingrich and I had him sign my cane.  Yes, I thought this was the coolest thing ever, yes I made sure to buy almost all the papers to see if my picture made it in them the following day and yes, I started doing my hair like Callista Gingrich for about a week afterwards.  It was an amazing experience for me, but I am fully aware of the fact that I was pulling an Oprah with the Tina Turner wig, thankfully, it didn’t last as long for me as it did for her.   My cane has been re-varnished so that Newt’s signature will never rub off and will be a permanent fixture in my home.  HOW EXCITING IS THAT?  To you? Probably not at all, to me….SO EXCITING.

I have had my first wood tick of the year and thankfully did not set myself on fire while doing the wood tick dance to get it off and flush it down the toilet, now I’m just waiting for it to crawl back up the sewer and get stuck on my butt.  If it could happen to anyone, it would happen to me! 

I also had my first run in with a june bug that dive bombed me and hit my head at full force.  I’m so grateful my response time to bugs is as quick as it is so that it didn’t have time to get stuck in my hair.  I may not be alive to type this blog entry if it had, I would have most definitely had a stroke.

Yes, tis the season for bugs, sunburns, but most importantly rhubarb custard pie and the pounds coming back that I had worked so hard to get rid of.  But who would ever turn down pie?  If you would? You are no friend of mine.

Yesterday was Mother’s Day and of course with Mother’s day comes its own set of ridiculous things for me, since I am a mother and attention is turned on me more than I would like.  Because then it is a sure bet I have an audience at some point during 24 hours that I can’t get through without looking like an idiot.  First off, an elder, Bruce,  at our church came up to me and gave me a hug and wished me a Happy Mother’s day.  He’s so sweet, and so what did I say back?  “Same to you!”.  OOPS, BAHAHAHAHAHA, I meant to say that.  Well, I probably could have gotten away with acting like I was just trying to be funny, but when my dad called to find out when we would be arriving at his house, because everyone was waiting to see the new puppy, (Yeah, no one cared that I was coming, but Penny, everyone wanted to see Penny), he too said HAPPY MOTHERS DAY And I said THANKS DAD, SAME TO YOU!  OK, now I just laughed and said “Oh geez, I’m an idiot”.  I think it’s my way of turning the attention, or attempting to put the attention back on someone else rather than being on me, and also my willingness to try and make everyone feel good….even boys on Mother’s day.

Of course our Pastor had a GREAT sermon Mother’s Day Sunday which of course had me crying.  I had tried to talk Dave into not going to church because I remembered last year and knowing I would become weepy.  He said, “Nope, we are going” and off we went.  And what did I fail to bring?  A KLEENEX.  Not five minutes into the sermon, tears were rolling down my face and there I sat.  Good gravy!  Wiping the happy (and sometimes sad) tears away, but then I had to sniffle.  I try to sniffle gracefully but no, I cannot do ANYTHING gracefully and right there in the 2^nd row I am the girl who sniffed and choked on her snot.  Nothing can ever just go smoothly can it?  Not for this girl!

However, life has been good, full of laughs of course and now that the weather is getting nice out, I will be out doing more than during the winter and therefore I’m sure more epic “Becky” moments to come.

Hope everyone is having a fabulous time in the sunny warm weather, hoping your getting a suntan (Wait, no I don’t because I can’t, so you shouldn’t be able to either), hope your gardens are growing beautifully and you are finding the time to get outside and have some playtime with your kids. It is the season for just that!  I am looking forward to planning a kick ball / potluck get together come August, so keep a Saturday open to come and act like a kid again and chowing down good summer foods!

God’s Blessings to You all and until next time, let’s just hope I don’t maim myself, making me unable to type another blog to you soon!

THE FLIGHT OF ST. QUACK

Well, after my little temper tantrum the other day and the Rural Christian Women's Conference Yesterday and friends over for coffee this morning after church, I must say I am feeling so much better.  Maybe I just needed to turn 4 for a minute, whine, cry, bellow, complain and stomp my foot a few times.  I kept kicking myself for even posting the last blog but then said,,,,,geez, it's MY BLOG I can actually write whatever I want and I don't have to see anyone's facial expression when something inappropriate or just absolutely immature comes out of my mouth.  Oh the joys of the internet.

So, back to the Unwanted Duck.  I think I left off about "Green Duck" returning looking for Red and of course Red was dead and Green had a very hard time dealing with the death of his brother Red so he went on a bender and ended up hooking up with a Flamingo and by golly with his luck if she didn't have a Flamingo / Duck aka Fluck.  And of COURSE they both took off (Green for Vegas) and Flamingo for only God knows where and left me with this pink headed duck!!! THE NERVE.

Well, it was close to Christmas and so of course when the duck went back to Kaukauna it needed to be festive...so hence the birth of St. Quack.  Who was painted to look like Santa Claus of course and securely packaged in a big box with Pink, the Fluck and shipped off to the Kosuts wtih this note attached:

Twas the week before Christmas, and all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

The rubber boots were hung by the tub with care,

In hopes that St. Quack soon would be there.

The ducklings were nestled all snug in their nests

While visions of fish swam ‘round in their heads.

With Red in his coffin, and Green’s kid on my lap,

Had just settled down for a short, quick duck nap.

When out on the lawn there rose such a clatter,

I waddled from the sofa to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flapped like a flash,

Threw open the blinds and ducked under the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow,

Gave the luster of mid-year to objects below.

When what to my wild wings should I see

But a great big old mallard and eight tiny small geese.

With an ugly old driver so lively and crowing,

I knew in a moment it must be St. Quack.

More rapid than foxes, his chickens they came,

And he whistled and waddled and called them by name;

Now, Toddle, Now, Shuffle, Now Wobble and Sway,

On Daniel, On Shannon, On Craig and Karane!

To the top of the coop! To the top of the shed,

Now fly away, fly away, fly away all!

And then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof,

The flapping and slapping of each fine webbed foot.

As I drew in my wing, and was turning around,

Down the egg shoot St. Quack came with a bound.

His eyes how beady! His wings, full of fluff

His feathers were flustered, his beak crammed with stuff.

He quacked not a word but went straight to his work,

And filled all the rubber boots, then turned in a jerk.

And laying his wing aside of his waddle

And giving a nod up the shoot he rose.

He sprang to his golf cart, to his team gave a quack.

And away they all flew like the down of my back.

But I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight,

ISN’T IT GREAT, SO WONDERFUL TO SEE,

ALL DUCKS WHO COME BACK TO THEIR FIRST CHRISTMAS TREE

Oh did I laugh and laugh (and holy cow do I have black black ink now from copying and pasting that in there....I really need to investigate this blogging stuff more so I know what I am doing.....Well, guess you get this bold bold lettering, oh hey, wait....that seems SO MUCH better.  HA...loser, blonde, dork, call me what you will, but it's never boring around me.

I think I'll take a moment to see if I can upload photos of Red duck and all his many disguises since some of you are not on Facebook and probably can't "friend" Red Duck then. 

Well, I uploaded a photo and uhmmmm, it's not Red Duck, but it is a pic of some of my chickens...and here we have BOLD again.  OK, let's try this again:

 HERE is Red Duck (and no more bold)

 HERE is DEAD RED DUCK

 GREEN DUCK (BAHAHAHAHA and the ink turned Green and I didn't even do it). Seriously....WTH just happened??? I promise that I did not mess with the font color, I don't know how, I only know how now to unbold...

 Pink the baby Fluck (Seriously, I am not changing font color, I copy and pasted a word document of the letter sent with St. Quack which was colored and now the colors and just changing as they want as if possessed by the devil himself......)

St. Quack

And St. Quack.  SO there are the up to date adventures of the Unwanted Duck.  No one knows when he will appear again, or where but just when you least expect it....well, when I least expect it after I have sent him off....he appears again with another story, and man, I hope he doesn't come with anymore new off spring.

I am going to end this with a song that I messed with and put on Red's Facebook page after he flew off in his Sleigh at Christmas time that sure gave me a chuckle if no one else.....Hope you all have a Safe and Happy and Wonderful week.  PRAISE GOD because He is Good!!

The Duck he pleaded, and The Duck he cried,
For me to open up the door and let him go outside,
Then he sat on the lawn underneath a tree,
Pretending that he couldn't hear me.

I said, "Duck, you had better come on home,
"There's dogs in the dark, waiting to attack,
"And duck hawks looking for a late night snack,
"So Red, oh Red, you better come on home."

Red Duck, he turned, and he tossed his head,
"I may or may not come," he said,
"I'm a duck who's deeply dissatisfied,
"I'll let you know when I decide."

I said, "Duck, you better come home now,
"I'll close this door and I'll lock this bolt,
"You can spend the night in the snow and cold,
"So duck, oh duck, you better come on home."

He said, "I'd rather be a duck that meets a terrible fate,
"Than live with the Thoms who don't appreciate,
"That a duck's independent and a true highbrow,
"And demands a little high-class chow.
"I've seen the food that you feed your guests,
"The eggs and the fish and the chicken breasts,
"Do you share it with your duck? No you don't; now way,
"Not the poached perch liver pate."

I said, "DUCK, you had better come on home.
"I'm not about to stand her and argue with a duck,
Now what would the Koch's and the Kosut's think of that?
So Duck, OH DUCK, you better come on home.

"You've seen the last of your old duck, Red"
He left with the fluck and his big old bed
And he left for a month and a half.

I felt so bad, full of guilt and shame
I walked around town just callin his name
With a great big plate of yummy blue gill
and some tuna fish for his bill.

I said, "Duck, please come home,
"Come on, Old Red come home to bed
"I got a number of fringe benefits that need to be read
So Duck, oh duck, please come home.

I saw him six months later on a facebook page
He was the number one duck not one day aged.
With lots of friends and some statuses that were firm
And his hair was done up in a perm.

You could tell it was Red, though this duck was wrapped
In a Packer hat, a santa suit and teeth that were capped
He was taking no flack
and changed his name to QUack

I said "Duck, you better come home now.
You're top duck now and you're riding high,
"But they'll dump you in the river when the well runs dry,
"So Duck, oh duck, you better come on home.

Sure enough he came back one day last fall,
He was on his last legs he could barely crawl
With his poor old tail dragging on the ground
He weighed about 89 pounds.
He looked like something that the cat dragged in,
With his tongue hanging out on his double chin
And real big bags underneath his eyes;
He said, "It's me; surprise!"

I said "Duck so glad you came back home
"No need to explain my duck old friend,
"I'm just glad to have you back again.
"Yes Duck oh Duck you came back home".

I picked him up like a big feather sack
He said "Easy Jack, I got a flamingo on my back,
"I got a big Packer habit and that's no lie,
"I gotta go cold turkey on the blue gill pie"
"I'm only home to pack my bages
"And then I'm off to Vegas"

Oh' Duck, you better come home,
There's dogs in the dark waiting to attack
And duck hawks looking for a late night snack,
So duck oh duck, you better come home.

You can seek your fortune but nevertheless,
Remember your name and your address
And Duck, oh Duck, you better come on home.
(Adapted from Garrison Keillor's Cat Song". )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QhJt3i3UKWk 

And now, if you don't hear from me for awhile, I broke a law somewhere using that song and changing it and Garrison (Who, I might add, I sat next to on an airplane once when I was 18 coming home from New Jersey oh, man, now that's a story but not for today)  I knew who he was....my dad is a huge fan, and so I recognized him right away. Asked his name to be sure and when he GRUFFED "Keillor" he kind of scared me and I never said another word the entire flight and to this day I regret it. But once at the airport in Minneapolis, I did manage to get the courage to catch up to him again (with my mom with me) and got his autograph for my dad at least. (Dad, you could at least verify this story for me to prove again, I can't make this stuff up). But so many hours wasted when I could have been chatting his ear off,  becoming his new best friend, giving him book ideas, (he has many, they are funny, read them), I'm sure I would have fit in PERFECTLY in Lake Wobegon, but now we will never know.....because for the first time in my life I decided to turn shy for a few hours. (and that is something I'm sure my family would have paid to see...me quiet for hours).  Yeah....I'm a real winner.  

Hope you all have a Safe and Happy and Wonderful week.  PRAISE GOD because He is Good!!

 

The All Too Lenghty Holiday Hangover

I am not a spontaneous person.  Not even a little.  I like a plan. I like when my days go exactly the same I do my household chores in the same order every day and if my morning doesn’t start off like all other mornings, there is a pretty good chance little is going to get done that day by the way of housework. Yet, housework along with raising kids is my job and so if it doesn’t get done, it’s like I called in sick to work. 

It’s inevitable that over the holidays, especially the last two weeks of each year, nothing is going according to schedules as they do the rest of the year and I am still trying to get myself back into my daily groove of getting up, spending time with the Lord who blessed me with the gift of the day and then to some exercise, (ok, even I laughed while typing that. It’s on the daily agenda each day but I tend to skip that part each and every day, hence the 40 pounds I need to lose), then it’s laundry, entryway, bedroom, kitchen, etc. etc.  You get the drift.  But here I am going into February and I still have not gotten back to my normal daily routine.  Not even the smallest part of getting up between 5:30 and 6:00 to have a little quiet time with God before my day officially starts.   Which means, I have not been spending my daily time with the Lord, which means I am struggling.  Physically I always am tired (which most likely is due to Meniere’s disease, one certainly does not understand the fatigue that comes with it), emotionally I have been drained and maybe even mildly depressed, sad feeling and I have no doubt been spiritually hungry. 

I know that I would feel better if I just got up and started my God time again.  It is a very uplifting way to start the day, but the alarm goes off and I shut it off and roll over.  And I know that upsets in my schedule can do this to me time and again but there has been an upset that I just can’t seem to shake. 

I was blessed with two months of seeing my oldest son regularly and I am sure it showed on my face each day how happy I was that we were mending our relationship and moving forward.  Baby steps, which I tend to like to LEAP into things, but God gave me the patience to do the small steps and be grateful for them.  However, January 8^th it all changed.  It stopped.  He stopped calling, answering calls, texting, answering texts and most devastating, coming to visit.  And I realized today, that I am really struggling with the backward steps I have been forced into and emotionally I am right back to square one.  And I have been since the beginning of the year.  It’s been a rough month, I miss him, and it hadn’t rang so loudly as it did last night at 9:37 when my phone rang.  Now, no one calls my house usually after 9:00.  We are people who go to bed early and get up early (or should be getting up early anyway) but I know when the phone rings between 9 and 10, it’s always David.  So, I was getting ready to go to bed last night, Dave was gone shooting trap, Lane was sound asleep IN HIS OWN BED and had FALLEN ASLEEP ON HIS OWN BY HIMSELF, may I add (because that is a success like no other that I have accomplished this month).  So I’m winding down, shutting lights off, heading out for a little “garage time” and the phone rings and my heart did about sixteen leaps as I rushed to the phone “knowing” David was calling to maybe set up plans for the weekend. 

Except it wasn’t David.  It was a wrong number.  I felt crushed all over again. It was a small sick joke that was being played on me by the enemy.  All the inflated joy blew out of me like a balloon that had been popped with a pin. 

Sad people are not fun to be around.  And I think I do a pretty good job of looking each day for the blessings.  I count the times Lane makes me laugh daily because he is a gift like no other that, even if late, he is a great reason to HAVE to get out of bed.  And I have to be a happy, engaged, fun, laughing mom to him each and every day.  And so I have mastered the art of faking it.  But I miss David.  I miss him and it weighs on me like a about  150 lbs of added dead weight and I wonder if things will ever get better.

Hope.  I live on hope each day but even I, who has a tremendously strong faith that God is in control, God knows what is best for all of us and God is not going to desert me or David.  But I’ve been struggling with hanging on to that hope.  And I am back to where I was two years ago when David took the turn down a path that I don’t believe God wanted for him and I second guess every decision I ever made. I beat myself up for the wrong decisions I made and I along with everyone else know they were not the right decision.  But at the time I didn’t know what decision to make and I made many of them purely on emotion.  So here I am back at square one.  And I need to change that.

Why am I blogging about this?  Because, many times I think Christian women don’t think they have the right to have rough times.  Christian women are always willing to help out their friends in need, but less willing to ask for help if they need it.  Christian women tend to not want to admit that sometimes life is just plain hard and we can’t always wear the happy face we want to or fake each day.  My blog is about real life, being real, being me and not being ashamed of who I am.  And so today I am sad, I feel disconnected from God, I feel like I want to crawl back under the covers and sleep the day away because in my dreams things are a little odd, sometimes crazy, but rarely are they filled with sadness.  I need to get myself motivated back to getting up in the morning, studying the Word, the only book that truly can direct me back to the path of harmony, then praying to God who always listens, and will always answer and will give me strength for the times when His answer doesn’t match my wants or expectations. 

Struggles with a troubled teenager is nothing short of crushing, but it always builds a strength like you never knew you had.  But today, I want to scream I WANT THIS TO END, I WANT HIM TO COME HOME, I WANT GOD TO ANSWER MY PRAYER WITH A YES TODAY, BECAUSE I’M TIRED OF WAITING AND WORRYING AND FEELING SAD AND INSIGNIFICANT.   I want to throw my own little temper tantrum and pity party.  And in the mean time, since I want all that from Him, I want to no longer be sick anymore either with Meniere’s disease.  A disease that everyone knows sucks, but because I am not talking about it every second of every day that I must feel fine.   I feel like crap.  And I look like crap today too.  J HA….well, I do. 

And I can do all those things, scream all those things, but where will it get me?  Well, I will probably just end up with a sore throat, looking like a fool and watching everyone slowly backing away, and in a perfect world tossing me chocolate covered, custard filled donuts as they go.  

This is a day in my life.  And I’m sure it sucks to read, or hear and well, y’all have your own struggles and problems to deal with so what makes mine anymore severe or important than yours?  Mine are not.  But we all have days like this and we all lead such busy lives that we don’t’ always notice when someone is having a day like this. 

Some may think that because it’s been 2 years it’s not that hard anymore that David isn’t at home.  The sad fact of the matter is that it is harder now than it was 2 years ago and in a year if he is still gone, it will be that much harder yet.  But I know I am really good about making it look easy some days with that pasted smile on my face, laughing and pointing out all of God’s amazing blessings.  But just like every other sinner in the world, today it doesn’t feel like enough and I’m so sorry Lord for feeling that way. 

If you are feeling despair ladies, over a situation of your own, consider yourself hugged from me.  I don’t want  anyone rushing to my side giving me attention.  I am a strong woman and having a few or 30 bad days doesn’t change that.  But it does make me quiet.  It does make me pull back a little bit because that is how I deal.  When things happen, I need to process.  I need to be alone, not talking about it and processing what has happened, what can I do right now to fix it or move towards fixing it and then come to the realization that like everything else it is what it is.   I think I have been so busy this month (getting up late, getting nothing done) because I haven’t allowed myself to process this set back.  And I think that just maybe I’m avoiding it completely because I don’t want to process it again and again and again.  But for me, it’s the only way I can move on.  I don’t tend to need constant listening ears or shoulders to cry one.  In fact, I haven’t shed a single tear in months because they don’t fall anymore.  But I need to get back to reality in my heart and know that honestly, there is nothing I can do but love David unconditionally.  God is in control of the rest and His will, will be done.  If I want Him to teach David I need to get out of the way and let Him.  But dang it if that kid didn’t take after me in THAT regard….he’s a slow learner like his mom.  But he will get it in the end and he will come around. 

I was putting off processing this again and so I decided to sit down and type it out…it’s forcing me to process.  And while I probably shouldn’t even post this, because it’s not looking for attention or sympathy.  I don’t want it.  But maybe, it will help some woman, just paging through blogs and come up on it and realize, she’s not alone and she is not a “bad Christian” because she has had some days where she is feeling far far away from God Himself.  I know, and she knows…He is here.  But it is me, us, who need to reach out to him. 

So come Monday, may I be refreshed and ready for my schedule to be back on track. Yep, I’m a bit OCD that way…but it doesn’t’ make me a bad person. J Does it?    Feel free to keep throwing the donuts ….I like donuts.  Which is going against everything E and I are learning in Made to Crave.  But honestly, I have yet to really get enthused about that study.  So it’s time…enough pitying REBECCA…GET OFF THAT BUTT, GET OUT OF BED when the alarm goes off and get back to living!  Life is too short. 

NO MORE HOLIDAY HANGOVER, time to take the proverbial aspirin and get on with it.  Thanks all.  Love you all!  If you are struggling, do what you need to do to get back up, I know I need to just smile and keep moving. And I will.  But today I’m pouting….just a little and am looking forward to curling up on the sofa with my family and watching Courageous tonight and hoping to get a little inspiration from it.  If not, I have the Christian Women’s seminar tomorrow to really fill me with the spirit and get me back to praising a God who deserves nothing less!!!